just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
