what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Itā€™s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā€¯ tv lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers Iā€™ Iā€™m going to bang
Randomize
