Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
