wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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