We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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