I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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