I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
