Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
two words: eviction party
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
