Jerry, you need to find god
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
