I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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