what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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