Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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