Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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