Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
