I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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