i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
