why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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