Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
