I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
