He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
