At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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