i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
