Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
