i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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