Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Everclear isn't food dammit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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