I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm always down for nudity.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
