i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
