I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
