He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
