Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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