I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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