Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
