We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
