I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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