I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
