we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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