I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
