And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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