I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my being single is dangerous.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
