as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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