Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
