btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So many bounce houses so little time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
my liver is dry heaving
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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