You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
