My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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