the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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