alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
