I wish I only lived at night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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