you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
