i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
