I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
