I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
