I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
