Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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