i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
