She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
