Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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