Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
