Already got asked if we're dating
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
