Im at strip club and am horny
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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