Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
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I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize