another moral hangover. fuck.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
