i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
