Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
