pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
