listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.