he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Let's paint friendship bongs
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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